since i wrote in this blog..
let me just say...
i... don't feel myself.
why do i even give a shit?

as stupid as this sounds but i am extremely grateful to alcohol at the moment. if it weren't for alcohol, i would have never told him how i felt. if it weren't for alcohol, i would've spent my night crying. if it weren't for alcohol, i wouldn't have been able to enjoy a night with steven. i'm not saying alcohol is the only thing that makes him interesting, it's just that.. i dunno, it just made everything better. we haven't had a night like that in ages. we haven't talked like that in so long and it felt so nice. i'm glad i didn't go in fiamma and just sit there. i'm glad i bumped into him in the entrance before going in. i'm glad he dragged me to starbucks, even though i was hesitant at first. i'm glad i can finally accept that he's moved on. i'm just glad :)
i'm in such a good mood, it's ridiculous. :)

guys always like the hot girls.

:|

i was just thinking.. as conceited as this sounds, i used to be very nice.. nice in a sense where i wouldn't say anything bad about anyone else.. mainly because i didn't want them to be saying anything bad about me.. and also because.. it's mean. nowadays though, i find myself talking bad about people and i don't like it. i always wonder what happened to that part of me where i would not want to say anything mean about anyone else. example.. when my friends are talking about a certain person, i would try as much as possible to not open my mouth but it always ends up coming out anyway. i used to not have this problem. my sister even said once upon a time that i never say anything bad about anyone. what happeneddd?? is it selfish or big headed of me to think that people have become so bad that i can't say nice things about them anymore? i dunno. is it wrong that i'm blaming other people for my wrong doing? i guess. i dunno. i miss that about me. i miss being nice. or not. i just miss me not talking about other people.
i really need to stop.
it never makes me feel any better about myself.

every time i get ready to leave my house, i always usually wish to bump into certain people at the mall.. not to just see them or to say hello, but to prove to them that it's okay to be simple. does that sound stupid? like i want to show them that it's okay to just wear a t-shirt and shorts. i mean, it's just the mall right? i always feel so confident about myself before leaving but when i get to the mall, i never bump into those certain people..
the other night, i finally bumped into them. it was so unexpected so i wasn't able to build up my confidence. there i was, wearing a t-shirt, shorts, sneakers and a hoodie, with my hair tied up and a head band on my head.. and there they were, wearing full on make up, dressy tops, high heels and leathery bags. i could not help but feel small and hideous. hahahahahahaha
after seeing them, i had an interesting conversation with my sister.. my sister wouldn't stop commenting at how old they looked.. and to think, they were just a few months older than me. it bothered me that everyone seemed to be into that now.. make up and dressing up for the mall, so i told my sister about it.. i told her, "you know, i always think about that.. like, should i give in and join them? everyone seems to like it." my sister got kind of mad at me for even thinking that.. she told me to like what i like and not care about what other people think.
this always gets me confused. i know i'm not the kind of person who would do something just because everyone else is doing it but i don't know.. when i convince myself to stay the way i am, i still always feel bad when i feel left out from everybody else. does that make sense? i don't know.
i always have some sort of identity crisis when i think about this.
it's funny though.

no, not adam lambert. hahaha i've been making a lot of "softer world"-like images. there's one i really want to upload but i can't. only some people would understand why. hmm.. maybe i can upload it here.. i mean, no one know about this blog so.. hmm.. i'll think about it.
almost going back to manila.. i'm scared and excited. just like how i felt about starting my first year in college.. i guess the same goes for my second year. shit, i'm second year. how old am i.
i really want to upload that picture.

going through my old albums in multiply makes me feel sad.
i was looking at pictures i had with steven.. makes me miss him. but not him now. i miss the old him. not the preaching pastor he became. good for him though. he really enjoys it.. i miss the funny and extremely weird steven. those were fun times :) i guess i just miss having a boyfriend. and i guess the people around me are influencing me to miss having someone.. i mean, my sister just got a boyfriend and my brother is almost engaged.. hush hush though.
this is what i get for staying home all day.. being bored to death.. and what do i usually do when im bored? look at my old albums in multiply.
oh, by the way, it saddens me that i was much thinner then..

about a year ago, you asked me if i loved you.
i answered no.
truth is, i didn't want to run :)

[hahaha wanna know what this is about? ask me]

my brother, ezra, came home for his birthday. it was a surprise but i totally knew he was coming home. let's just say my mom's not the best liar in the world.

since it was his birthday and all, we decided to have a lil family gathering. we took forever to decide on the venue.. first, we decided cagayan, then palawan, then siargao, then dumaguete, then shangrila, then.. okay, i don't remember anymore but the point is.. we ended up deciding to just stay in cebu. hahaha sooo, we rented out this beach house in mactan. it was a really nice house with a deck and really cold aircons [sorry, just had to mention it] my mom asked my brother if he wanted to invite his friends over to drink but my brother just said he wanted to spend it with family. so the whole weekend, we were playing boardgames and drinking. it was so weird drinking with my family. it was cool though. i saw my parents take shots of vodka.. not a very pretty sight. we played pictionary and my brothers made up this rule where every 3 wins, the other team would take shots.. but for every 3 loses, that team also has to take shots. i don't know if that made any sense but anyway... my team was awesomeee. we only took like 3 shots. my parents got pretty wasted. hahahaha so wrong.. but anyway, my brothers were being mean to me and i ended up crying really hard. all in all.. the weekend was great.

the food we had is a whole other story. every meal we had was amazing. nothing went wrong and everything was just too damn good. thank GOD my whole family can cook.

this weekend was the first family outing we had with actual bonding. i would usually see my family as friends and people i could really get along with.. but this weekend, we were an actual family. my brothers were being mean brothers with all the teasing, my mom was my mom and comforted me when i cried, my sister was being antisocial and sleeping in the room, my dad just being there and sleeping. even though the weekend pissed me off, i still loved it. i haven't seen my family in this light in a long time. the inner youngest-sibling-crybaby in me really came out.

my brother's leaving soon and things are gonna go back to normal..
looking forward to the next family outing :)

i can't believe after 3 years, he could still make me cry. i haven't felt this way in ages. here i am, back to my old ways.. back to feeling depressed and empty, feeling as if there is no fucking hope left in the world. i can't breathe. god, this is so nostalgic. last time i felt this way was the time he told me everything.. when i told him i never wanted to speak to him ever again.. when he asked for forgiveness and i gave it to him.. i'm so stupid. why do i let him do this to me? oh god, here come more tears. fucker. fucker. fucker. how dare he say that to me. he has no fucking right. no fucking right. he always has to mess with my head, doesn't he?






i need some saving.
i have no hope left.
no hope.

have you ever heard of that saying where if the burning part of your cigarette is pointing up, it means that someone's thinking of you? i don't remember where i heard of this exactly, but i looove it for some reason. every time i smoke, i always check if the burning tip is pointing up, and i always say with the biggest smile on my face, "someone's thinking of meeee!"

i think my friends are starting to get pissed off with me because i always have to say it. it saddens me that my friends would be annoyed with something that makes me unusually happy. i've always been a simple girl, and the smallest things make me smile.  i don't know how to explain it exaclty, but the simple thought that someone, somewhere is actually thinking of me, i can't help but smile again.


:)

i was so stressed about my stupid livejournal layout that i just had to have a cigarette. for some reason, my mom took out our toilet seat so i had no choice but to sit on the floor. i never realized how soothing it is to sit down on my bathroom floor. i was just there, leaning on the wall, smoking while listening to imogen heap's hide and seek. it was the most beautiful 3 minutes i've ever had with myself. it probably doesn't make any sense to you but i dunno.. you've got to try it. i was just staring at everything around me. oh, and when i smoke, i love watching the smoke twirl around me. our bathroom has a yellow light so it gives the smoke a really nice.. soothing effect. i immediately forgot about the stupid layout and just decided that who gives a fuck about it. just write dammit.

i'll probably be oc about the layout tomorrow but for now.. i am totally fine with it :)

my current layout is pissing the hell out of me. i feel like i can't write properly until i have a layout i'm happy with. someone, please give me a nice layout. it's just like how some people, including me, can't work or study with a messy table. like, in my dorm room, everything has to be in place before i can actually start studying. i have to arrange everything. it's weird, but it's just one of my habits.

i hate that i can't find any nice and inspiring layouts. i just want it to be simple, like my multiply. you can't even see the title of my blogs so what's the use of putting a title in the first place??

hay nako.

i've had this blog for ages, but i never really paid attention to it.. everyone seems to be getting into blogs these days so i decided.. why not have a blog of my ownn?

just to start off, my name's bea. i really don't know how to do this anymore. i used to be really good at random ranting on online journals but i can't do it anymore. i guess there's just no more inspiration in me left.

oh, won't someone come into my life and inspire meee?

[as short as this first entry is, i'm happy about it. i can't wait to write more :)]


buhbye,
bea